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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest child?
A: Ask your mother.

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A:A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q: A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
A: Dating children.

Q: Why do bald people have holes in their pockets?
A: So they can run their fingers through their hair!

Q: What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?
A: Dough Nuts!

Q: How do you say 69 in Chinese?
A: Twocanchew.

Q: What's the difference between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
A: One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker!

Q: What's the difference between condoms and coffins?
A: They both hold something stiff but one's coming and one's going!

Q: What do call hemorroids on a gay man?
A: Speed-Bumps!

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A: They taste funny!

Q: Why is 88 better than 69?
A: You get 8 twice.

Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
A: Well hung.

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny`s batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Q: What is the speed for sex?
A: 68 - because if you go 69 you turn over

Q: What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

Q: How do you get a Twinkie pregnant?
A: You drop it in a box of Ding Dongs.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the US.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?
A: Wayne takes a shower after 3 periods.

Q: What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A: He doesn't want anyone to know that he is screwing chickens.

Q: How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.

Q: Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q: What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A: A pick pocket snatches watches.

Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.

Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as substitute meat.

Q: What do old women have between their breasts that young women don't?
A: A bellybutton!

Q: What is the squareroot of 69?
A: eight something

Q: Why did the condom fly around the room?
A: Because it was pissed off.

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant ?
A: Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Q: What is so bad about being an egg?
A: It takes 10 minutes to get hard, you only get laid once, and it is by your mom.

Q: What's the disadvantage of being an egg?
A: You can only get laid once.

Q: What's another disadvantage of being an egg?
A: You can only get eaten once.

Q: What's the worst disadvantage of being an egg?
A: Only your mother can sit on your face.

Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.

Q Why can't Barbie have babies?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box!

Q: Did you hear about Lorraine Bobbit getting injured in a car accident?
A: Yeah, some dick cut her off.

Q: What's green and smells like a pig?
A: Kermit's fingers

Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
A: A mega-sore-ass

Q: What do call three lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet

Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
A: Lickalotapus

Q: What do a Bungee Jump and a Hooker have in commom?
A: They're both cheap, last only a few seconds and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Q: What has 100 teeth and eats weiners?
A: A zipper.

Q: What kind of bees make the best milk?
A: Boo-Bees

Q: What two things in the air can make a women pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How do you get 1 1/2 pounds of meat out of a fly?
A: You unzip it.

Q: How do you piss off Winnie the Pooh?
A: By sticking your finger in his honey.

Q: What did the Bathtub say to the Toilet Bowl?
A: I may not get as much ass as you do, but I dont take no shit.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q: Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
A: She was trying to make up her mind!!!

Q: What goes blonde..... brunette.... blonde.... brunette..... blone..... brunette?
A: A blonde doing a cartwheel.

Q: Do you know what a wicker box is? It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to
A: Madonna.

Q: What has 81 balls and screws over hundred old women every Tuesday night?
A: Bingo

Q: How do you know if a girl is ticklish?
A: Give her a test tickle

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A: Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat

Q: What has 180 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row of a New Kids on the Block concert.

Q: What kind of meat does the pope eat?
A: Nun

Q: Why is virginity like a balloon?
A: All it needs is one little prick and it's gone.

Q: What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A: A dildo.

Q: What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A: Toys for twats

Q: Why don't chicken wear underware?
A: Because their peckers are on their face!

Q: What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?
A: Milk and quackers.

Q: Why do you aways see nuns traveling in pairs?
A: That's so one nun can make sure that the other nun, ain't getting nun!

Q: When is Mother's Day?
A: Nine months after Father's Night!

Q: What's the difference between O. J. Simpson and Pee Wee Herman?
A: It only took twelve jerks to get O. J. off.

Q: What do tou call a masturbating cow?
A: Beef strokin' off.

Q: What is a "Yankee"?
A: It's like a "Quickee", but you're by yourself.

Q: What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Q: What's the similarity between a Rubics Cube and a penis?
A: The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: What does eating pussy and being in the Mafia have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with an owl?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

Q: What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A: scrotum pole!

Q: How Your girlfriend can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A: She chews before swallowing.

Q: What do you call a nurse with dirt on her knees?
A: The Head Nurse

Q: What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A: A red-headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q: Why do women prefer to be with hunters?
A: They always go deep in the bush
They always shoot twice
They always eat what they get



A small town farmer had three daughters. Being a single father, he tended to be a little over-protective of his daughters. When gentlemen came to take his daughters out on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss.
One evening, all of his daughters were planning to go out on dates. The doorbell rang, the farmer got his shotgun, and answered the door.
A gentleman stood there and said,
"Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're goin' to the show. Is she ready to go?"
The farmer frowned, but decided to let them go.
The doorbell rang again. The farmer got his shotgun a second time and answered the door. Another gentleman was there, and he spoke saying,
"Hi, I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We gettin' spaghetti. Is she almost ready?"
The farmer scowled at him, but decided to let them go also.
The doorbell rang again, and once more the farmer got his shotgun, then answered the door. Once more a gentleman stood there. This one said,
"Hi, I'm Chuck..."
And the farmer shot him...



Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,

Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.



A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine Miss Lewinsky" he said.
She asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor."
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."



The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh by the way sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?" He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee. Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little, disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."



Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed

Nixon: His biggest fear - the Cold War
Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore

Nixon: Worried about carpet bombs
Clinton: Worried about carpet burns

Nixon: His Vice President was a Greek
Clinton: His Vice President is a geek

Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her

Nixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape
Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case

Nixon: His nickname was Tricky Dick
Clinton: same

Nixon: Ex-President
Clinton: Sex-President

Nixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"
Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"

Nixon: Famous for his widow's peak
Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak

Nixon: Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy
Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot

Nixon: Took on Ho Chi Minh
Clinton: Took on Ho

Nixon: Talked about achieving peace with honor
Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her



Schwartznegger has a big one,
Michael J. Fox has a small one,
Madonna doesn't have one,
The pope has one but doesn't use it,
Clinton uses his all the time,
what is it?

A last name



A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor. "Be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts."
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too."
Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, "Are you a natural blonde?"
"Why, yes," she said.
"I thought so," said the doctor.
"You have a broken finger."



A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.
He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.
"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine."
Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"
The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.
"I'm nineteen," he replied.
"And how old is she?" asked the officer.
The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."



A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his pants and says, "I have one of these and you don't."
The little girl starts crying and runs home to her mother.
The next day the little boy and the same little girl are playing.The boy points to his private parts and once again says, "I have one of these and you don't."
But, the little girl just keeps on playing. The boy says, "How come you are not crying."
"My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with one of these I can get as many of those as I want."



A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before." The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."



A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was amongst the group. The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line.
Along comes the grandma and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for?" Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth, told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"
Grandma (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry."


Penis Study

In 1991, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex. Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 3 weeks and a cost of around $75.47, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.



A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?



The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is met at the Pearly Gates by St.Peter himself.
The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper.
Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St.Peter.
I was looking forward to this.
Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams.
Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But the test I have for you is only three questions.
Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Second, how many seconds are there in a year?
Third, what is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions.
St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!"
The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Forest.
"But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve!
Forest,how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve:
January second, February second, March second....."
"Hold it," interrupts St., Peter.
"I see where you're going with it.
And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too."
"Let's go on with the next and final question,"says St. Peter,
"Can you tell me God's first name?"
Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name.
Everbody probly knows it.
It's Howard."
"Howard?" asks St. Peter.
"What makes you think it's 'Howard'?"
Forest answers, "It's in the prayer."
"The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?"
"The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father,who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."



A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


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