Captain Caveman's
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JOKES III


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CONDOMS


A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist...


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PERSONAL AD


There once was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive,who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an Ad in the paper, that was asking for a man who: 1)would treat her nicely 2)wouldn't run away from her, 3)would be good in bed. Three weeks passed, and there was no reply from any man. So she just figured that there wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she just gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell rang. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?" And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


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LEPRECHAUN


A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom,so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, "What do you have in your hand."The boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away." He was then sent to the principals office and the principal asked him, "What do you have in your hand." So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent home and his mom asked him "What do you have in your hand." So the little boy said, "a little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away." He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, "What do you have in your hand." So again the little boy said, "A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away." Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, "Open your hands!" And the little boy said, "Look Dad you scared the crap out of him."


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LUNCH TIME


A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy behind the counter bellows "One burger!"

Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

The old lady says, "that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen."

The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."


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WHERE'S MY WILLY?


A man is urinating one day when the end of his willy drops off. He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing", so he picks up the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in. The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?" "Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is." And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor. The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking about? This is a marshmellow!" "Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way in here!"


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BLACK SINS


A missionary was sent to the deepest, darkest part of Africa, and moved in with a primitive native tribe. He spent several years with the people, during which he particularly stressed the evil of sexual sin...no adultery, no fornication!

One day, the wife of one of the tribe's noblemen gave birth to a child. The child was white! This caused quite a stir in the village. The chief sent for the missionary, and said, "You have taught us the evils of sexual sin, but here is a black woman who gives birth to a white child. And you are the only white man in a distance of a five days walk! What is the explanation?"

The missionary replies, "No, no, my good man, you are mistaken. This is a natural occurrence, what in English we call an albino. Nature does this on some occasions. For example, look there at that flock of sheep. They are all white, except among them -- look there is one black sheep. Could you explain this to me?"

The chief thinks it over for a while and then replies, "O.K. Tell you what father. You don't say anything about the black sheep, and I won't say anything about the white child."


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Neighbor's rabbit


One afternoon while doing some work in the garden I noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbors' daughter's rabbit. For years I had watch her come home from school and head straight out to its cage, free it and play with it in the garden. I knew today would be no different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast. The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry with the leaf blower. Upon finishing its grooming I jumped the fence and replaced back in its cage hoping its death would be written off as "natural causes".

Within the hour the neighbor's car pulled in and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed "DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Her father, panic stricken, stood looking at the cage. Being the good neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I could do. Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage?"


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Smart little boy


The teacher called on Johnny to solve the next question. "There are 3 ducks sitting on a fence", she said, "and the farmer comes out and shoots one of them. How many are still on the fence?. Johnny thinks a second and says "none". The Teacher asked him how he figured that. "Well, he said, when the farmer shot the first duck, the noise scared the other 2 and they flew away". The teacher said "That's not really the answer I was looking for but I like your thinking". Then Johnny says "Now can I ask you one?". The teacher said okay. Johnny says "There are 3 women with an ice cream cone in their hands. One is chewing it, one is biting it and one is licking it. Which one is married?. The teacher says, "Why, the one that's licking it" to which Johnny answered "Wrong. It's the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking..."


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Hiding in the wardrobe


A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the wardrobe floor. "You bastard," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the kids!"


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Pussy and Bitch


A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom I've got a problem." She says, "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn't understand. She asks him what are they. He says "well, pussy and bitch." She says, "Oh that's no big deal, pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy." He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are using words I don't know and I asked mom and I don't think she told me the exact meaning." Dad says, "Son, I told you never to go to mom with these matters, she can't handle them. What are the words?" He tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says, "OK," and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle is pussy." "OK, dad, so what's a bitch?" "Son," he says, "everything outside that circle."


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What's happening in the bedroom?


A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts just for sucking our thumbs."


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A farmer and his new wife


A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.
The farmer said, "That's once."
A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer said, "That's twice."
After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.
The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.
His brand new bride raised all kind of heck with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."
The farmer said, "That's once."


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Stuck peanut


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He asked his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"


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Savings


The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.

Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.

The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for his morning cigar.

As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said, "Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."

"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for 60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"


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No arms


A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you`d be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done.

"If," said the armless man, "you`d reach in my right hand pants pocket, you`ll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it.

"You`ve been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men`s room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there`s one in a filling station on the corner."


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Mississippi


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa ta spella Mississippi."


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$200 bucks


This guy goes over to his buddies house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands his friends wife. "Is John home?" he asks. She replies "No I'm sorry he's gone out to run a few errands." "Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?"

She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."

The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he asks "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both." She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving him a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by."

About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says "Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago."

John replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"


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Bedroom Football


A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning. His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.

His wife wakes up and asks, "What in the world was that?"

He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."

She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.

He yells at her, "What was that?"

She replies "Touchdown, tie score."

Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"

He replied, "Half time, switch sides."


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They are in the shower


A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home.

Johnny said, Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower."

Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes."

The salesman said, "Well can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too."

The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked, "Why?"

"Well", Johnny said, "when my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some Super Glue."


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