JOKES V
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TWO OLD MEN
Two elderly gentlemen , who had been without sex for years,
decided they needed to visit a whore house.
When the arrived at the house, The Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used blowup dolls instead.
She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.
She never moved, talked, or groaned....how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!!!
THE LITTLE GIRL
This little girl with a peterbed look on her face runs up to her
mother and asks "Mommy, why does daddy have two penis's???"
Mom looks odly at the little girl and and says "Believe me,
Daddy does not have two penis's....."
Little girl thinks to herself and says, "Mommy, Daddy has two
penis's, I've seen them.
Mommy replies, "Daddy doesn't have two penis's, if he did I
would know about it. "But then the mother thinks to herself and
asks the little girl "How do you know Daddy has two penis's?"
"Well", the lil' girl says, "He has a lil' one that he uses to go tobathroom with, and a GREAT big one he brushes the babysitter's teeth with!!!!!!
"THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A GUY THING
A young man had been seriously dating three lovely
girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of which to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand dollars.
The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned
to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Why? Because I loveyou, dear."
The second girl returned with new hockey and golf
equipment, a new stereo, VCR and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the $1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an invest-ment in our future together. That's how much I love you, my dear."
The young man was very impressed by all of their
responses And after giving long and careful consideration, he decided to marry the one.....
with the biggest boobs!!!!
THE SKI TRIP
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few
hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a
nearby farm house and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if
they could spend thenight.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she
explained, "and I'm afraid the
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in
the barn, and if
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.
The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the
barn and settled
in for the night. Come morning, the weather had
cleared and they got on
their way and enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter
from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it
was from the attorney of that attractive widow he met
on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked: "Bob, do
you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our
ski holiday up North."
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house
and have sex with her?"
"Yes," he said, a little embarrassed about being found
out, "I have to
admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry buddy,
I'm afraid I did.
Why do you ask?"
"No need to apologize, Bob. She just died and left me
everything!
Thought something else didn't you?
THREE PATRONS
The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly
Irishman came in
and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool,
pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey. The
Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The
bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give
Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched
back and slowness
of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked
for a glass of
Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that
was Jesus
sitting down there. The bartender nodded and the
Italian said to give
Him a glass of Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his
knuckles on the
floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one.
Hey, is that God's
Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck
told him to give
Jesus a cold one too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the
Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The
Irishman felt
the strength come back to his leg, and he got up and
danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness
you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he
raised his hands
above his head and did a flip out the door.
As Jesus walked toward the redneck, the redneck
jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin` disability!"
THE LITTLR GREEN MAN
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's
room to piss. When he
walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous
dick he had ever seen.
As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man
dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man
asks him if he is
indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun,
and I can grant you
three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward
with the ladies, the
thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three
wishes if you
wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man
is a bit taken aback,
but agrees, because he knows he can wish for anything
he wants later. After
the green man has come, he starts to walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The
leprechaun asks, "How
old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in
leprechauns?"
THE PUZZLE
John gets a call from his blonde girlfriend, Buffy.
"I've got a problem,"
says Buffy. "What's the matter?" asks John. "Well,
I've bought this
jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces
fit together and I
can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John. "It's of a big
Rooster," replies
Buffy. "All right," says John, "I'll come over and
have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and Buffy greets him
saying, "Thanks for
coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and
shows him the jigsaw on
the kitchen table. John looks at the jigsaw and then
turns to Buffy and
says, "For Pete's sake - put the cornflakes back in
the box."
GROOM'S CHILDHOOD DISEASES
A young couple left the church and arrived at the
hotel where they were
spending the first night of their honeymoon. They
opened the champagne
and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his
socks, his new
wife asked,
"Ewww -- what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look
all mangled and
weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and
they continued
undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his
bride once again
wrinkled up her nose. "What's wrong with your knees?"
she asked.
"They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only
affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As
the undressing
continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Small
cox?"
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