A businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.
He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket.
If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home.
So, he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.
He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So, the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later, the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport?" he asked.
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blow-job on the way?"
"What?!!!
Get the hell out of my cab!"
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "Fifteen bucks."
The businessman said, "Okay" and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage ! If I get Corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,"Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too."

The Redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

-- Next Day --

The Irishman opens his lunch box, sees Corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death.

The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a Burrito and jumps too.

The Redneck opens his lunch, sees the Bologna and jumps to his death as well.

-- At The Funeral --

The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of Corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again."

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him Tacos or Enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the Redneck's wife....

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "That dumb-ass makes his OWN lunch!"

A little girl ran out to the backyard where her father was working, and asked him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Like a good father, he sat her down, and told her all about the birds and the bees.

He told her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc...
He also told her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...

His daughter was somewhat awe struck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Noticing her puzzled look, he asked, "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
His little girl replied,"Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in.
Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in.
The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed.
Her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex was already good.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, and grabbed an arm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani began screaming: "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

Tyrone asked his work buddy Robert one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said.
"I just tell her this little poem that I made up.
She loves it!

It goes like this:

"Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue.
I love waking up and making love to you!"

Tyrone was all like, "Man, you white guys is so dang sentimental an' shit...."
But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try, so he spent the rest of the day thinking up a poem for his wife.
The next day,Tyrone showed up to work just all beat to hell;
bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, man.
I went home and tried your advice, tha'ts all.
I just told her a poem...."
"Well, what poem did you tell her?"
Tyrone told him:

"Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog.
If I could roll your fat ass over,
I'd do you like a dog!"

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Adrian Thibodeaux, who is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

Next day, the FBI agents descend on Thibodeaux's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They glare at Thibodeaux and leave.

The phone rings at Thibodeaux's house.

"Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Great, now it's your turn to call.
I need my garden plowed."

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.
Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?"
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please ... just one more time before I die."
She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
"Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning.
You don't!"

An owner of a stud farm gets a call from a friend...
The friend says, "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse.
I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives at the horse farm and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one.

"Nyth looking horth, can I thee her mouth?"
So the owner pick's up the midget and shows him the horses mouth.

"Nyth mouth.
Can I thee her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's eyes.

"Ok, what about the eerth?"
Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the horse's ears.

"Ok, finally, I'd like to thee her twat."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves the midget's head up the horses twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "Perhapth I thould rephrathe that.....

I'd like to thee her run"

A guy goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me.
My penis is orange."
Doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check.
Damned if the guy's penis isn't orange.
Doc tells the guy, "This is very strange.
Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person's life."

Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doc asks the guy, "How are things going at work?"
The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago.
The doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.
Guy responds, "No. The boss was a real asshole, I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening.
I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours, I'm getting paid double what I got on the old job and the boss is a really great guy."
So the doc figures this isn't the reason.

He asks the guy, "How's your home life?"
The guy says, "Well, I got divorced about eight months ago." The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guys stress.
Guy says, "No. For years, all I listened to was nag, nag, nag.
God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch."
So the doc takes a few minutes to think a little longer.

He inquires, "Do you have any hobbies or a social life?"
The guy replies, "No, not really.
Most nights I sit home, watch some porno flicks and munch on Cheetos."

Three soldiers had just gotten out of the Army and decided to celebrate by taking a helicopter ride.
One of the soldiers is eating a banana and says, "I wonder if we'd be able to see it land if I threw the peel out?"
Out the peel goes and they all watch it but don't see it land.
One of the others has a rock and says "This is bigger.
We should be able to see it land."
They all watch, but don't see it land.
The last one takes a grenade out of his pocket, pulls the pin and tosses it out the door.
"We'll see that when it hits."
They watch, but still nothing.
Walking home they see a little girl crying and ask what's wrong.
"Well I was walking and slipped on a banana peel that came from nowhere."
The soldiers explain what happened and are helping the girl home when they see a little boy sitting on the side of the road holding his head.
They ask what happened.
"I was walking when a rock hit me on the head."
They tell the story again and start to wonder what happened to the grenade.
One of them races ahead and sees an old lady laughing hysterically.
He asks what's so funny.
The old lady says, "I just farted and my house blew up!"

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another false alarm and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was terribly embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What was that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied, "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away.
So, he decided to test it on himself first.
He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and...voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had good time as the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did.
When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.
He read the manual, but did not find any useful information.

He tried every button on the instrument, some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or less, but still without success.
Panicking, he called the supplier's Customer Service Hotline.

The farmer: "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company.
It worked fantastic.
But how can I take it off from the cow's udder?"

Customer Service: "Don't worry. The machine was programmed such that it will release automatically after collecting about 2 liters of milk."

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg...so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
"Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a rude letter of complaint.

A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and with your bald head you will really look the part."

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head.
He writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.

The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a bottle of molasses.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple!"

Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor

Radio stations routinely pay money to people so that they will tell their most embarrassing stories on the air.
Here is the what is believed to be a story of a "lucky" winner of one of these contests.

I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 AM.
I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already.

The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.
As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.
So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable.

I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in.

Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.
I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didn't respond.
The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home.
The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom... where's my washcloth?"

I told her to get another from the cabinet.
She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink.
It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Pierre, a French fighter pilot, took his girlfriend, Marie out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day and love was in the air so Marie leaned over to Pierre and said, "Pierre, kiss me!"

So our hero grabbed a bottle of red wine and splashed it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieked Marie.

"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"

His answer was good enough for Marie and things began to heat up. So she said, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero ripped off her blouse, grabbed a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre, what are you doing?!"

"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"

They resumed their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leaned over once more and softly whispered into Pierre's ear, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Pierre tore off her underwear, grabbed a bottle of Cognac and sprinkled it all over her groin. He took a match and lit it on fire.

Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screamed, "PIERRE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"

"My name is Pierre, the French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Nancy.

"She's incredibly mixed up." said one doctor. "She does everything absolutely backwards. Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of morphine every 10 hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He damn near died on us!"

The second doctor said "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy damn near exploded!"

Suddenly they hear this bloodcurdling scream from down the hall. "Omigod!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he will be working in.He walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating non-stop, and asks the doctor why was the man doing such a thing out in the open?

The doctor replies, "Oh he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body, he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."

"Oh, I see" says the intern.

They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse. Again, he asks the doctor "What's up with that?"

The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor asks, "What's your problem?"

The guy says, "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'... I give the missus a quick one, and then go to work.

On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.

Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls.

At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boinking. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing. Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the missus another screw....."

"So...????" asked the doctor. "What's your problem?!?"

The guy says, "Well, it hurts when I masturbate!"