Captain Caveman's

Jokes II

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder.If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.""Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times.For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging.And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week.If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"He said you're going to die", she replied



The patient's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say."Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant. This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the costs yourselves.""Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives."For a male brain, $500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."Some of the younger male relatives tried to look shocked, but all the men nodded in understanding, and a few actually smirked. Then the patient's daughter asked, "Why the difference in price between male brains and female brains?" "A standard pricing practice," said the head of the team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they are used.".



You might be a redneck if.......

(1)The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

(2)You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

(3)Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

(4)You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

(5)You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

(6)Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."

(7)You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

(8)Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

(9)You've got more than one brother named "Darryl."

(10)You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

(11)Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(12)You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

(13)Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

(14)You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

(15)You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

(16)You take a six-pack cooler to church.

(17)You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

(18)The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

(19)You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

(20)Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

(21)One of your kids was born on a pool table.

(22)You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

(23)You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(24)You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

(25)You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

(26)Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

(27)Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.



An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad new for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month." Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints. After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?" Murphy said, " I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone.



An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.
The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"



A man passed away and went to Heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Come on in. I'll show you around. I really think you'll like it here." Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere. It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock ware- house. Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter, "What's the deal with all the clocks?"

St. Peter replied, "They keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second." Click The minute hand on Sam's clock moved forward one minute. Click. It moved forward another minute. "Sam must be closing on a deal right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to the Widow Mary. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two."

They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but one. Where is President Clinton's kept?"

St. Peter smiled and said, "Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan."



On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail, and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man in a rocking chair in front of the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"What ya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied.

The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin'



A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new practice.
He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of his office, proclaiming his specialties: "Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."
The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him please to change it.
The Doctor was eager to please, so he put up a new sign: "Queers & Rears."
The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they demanded that the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not offend the townspeople.
So the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign: "Odds & Ends."



A man walks into a bar and starts drinking.
The bartender notices that every time the man gets a beer, he pours a little on his hand.
Finally after a few beers the bartender asks "What are you doing?"
The man says "I'm getting my date drunk."



A man goes into the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."

"What is your sin, my son?" the priest asks.

"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the priest.

"I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Father," says the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Father again.

"Well, no." says the man. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet," the man replies. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asks the now impatient Priest.

"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, rolled through some bushes, careened off a big rock, bounced over a sand trap onto the green, and stopped within six inches of the hole."

The Priest sighs, "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"



Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie - - *poof* - - you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the sexiest woman alive." - - - *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, "I think...." - - - *poof*



A man and a woman met at a bar. They started getting along really well and they decide to go to her place for a drink.

A few drinks later, the guy took off his shirt and washed his hands. He then took off his socks and washed his hands.

The woman looked at him and said, "You must be a dentist."

Flabbergasted, the guy responded, "Why yes! That's amazing; how did you determine that?"

The woman replied, "Easy. You keep washing your hands."

Well, one thing led to another, and they migrated to the bed. Things became more and more passionate, and they made love.

After their passionate deed was done, the woman remarked, "You must be a GREAT dentist!"

The doctor was very surprised, and said "Yes! Yes! I sure am a great dentist. Wow! You amaze me! And how did you know THAT, my dear?'

His lover retorted, "That's easy. I didn't feel a thing."



Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."

The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"



A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, "Can't you see I'm winning!"



Did you hear about the blonde that bought an A.M. radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
They drowned at spring training.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look, they spelled MACY's wrong.

Why did the blonde scale the chain link fence?
She wanted to see what was on the other side.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?
It said concentrate.